Folie a Trois (1/15)

First published: January 2010
Summary:  Nyota Uhura gets caught between the rock of her captain and the hard place of his XO.

Mission:  Get Nyota Laid???

This is how it happened:  It began with a dare.  A hastily made, off the cuff, semi-risqué dare with an old friend which took place sometime after the Enterprise returned from her maiden voyage with heavy damage.  The crew of the Enterprise was planet-side for several months while repairs were made.  Work was done, paperwork filed, Starfleet regulations followed, plans made for the subsequent five-year mission and commendations awarded.  Then the ship was ready again; ready to launch in a little over 48 hours.

*          *          *

A couple of weeks before the Enterprise repairs were complete, it was decreed that her crew be given official shore leave before setting off on their next mission.  Every crew member took full advantage of the leave, as it might be some time before there was another one, especially on Earth.

For Uhura, this meant taking an opportunity to hang out with some old girlfriends.  It just so happened, her former academy roommate, Gaila, was also on shore leave, as well as a mutual friend named Irish. The Friday night before the Enterprise was set to leave, they made plans to meet at a The Shipyard Bar to reminisce and catch up.  Uhura was looking forward to it.  It had been some time since they’d spoken.

Eager for the opportunity to wear regular clothes, especially shoes, Uhura donned slim black slacks and a matching tank with an oversized white “boyfriend” shirt and her favorite pair of black patent heels.  She did not want to acknowledge her Starfleet officer connections on a night out when she planned to have at least one shot of Jack, a Klabnian Fire Tea and at least one other alcoholic beverage.  She did not imbibe on a regular basis, but this was a chance to let her hair down, and so she did.  Literally.

Gaila and Irish met her at the spot and they squealed when they saw each other and hugged in a manner that Uhura had not done in a long time.  Yet it felt right.  They found a table near the dance floor and Uhura noticed that the spot was fairly crowded and the place was dotted with members of Starfleet who had not bothered to dress down.  Irish immediately ordered a round of Cardassian Sunrises, some Klingon hot wings and a basket of Ferengi Fire Fries.  For starters.

“Just like the old days,” Uhura said, sucking the purple sauce off a Klingon wing.

“Until you got so busy with your linguistics work that you forgot how to party down with us.  Understandable, though.”  Gaila smiled at her friend.  “It’s really good to see you again, Nyota.”  She dipped some fries into a hot green sauce the color of her skin.

Irish, a gorgeous, human-Betazoid hybrid, reached over and pinched Uhura’s cheek.  “Absolutely!  Heard you got promoted and all, like three hours after the Enterprise left space dock.  Congratulations, Nyo!”  By nature, Irish was even more hot-blooded than Gaila and thought about sex more than most men.  “Um, there are a lot of hot men in here tonight.  Oh my, look at that—look at THAT!”

A handsome male made his way into the restaurant and over to a table of friends.  Gaila smiled appreciatively.  “Yeah, he’s a cutie.” She looked around to see that more than one male was eyeing her.  A hookup was definitely on the pretty Orion’s agenda tonight.

Irish ogled him. “Did you see how fine he was?  How those jeans positively hugged his a—“

“Gaila,” Uhura interrupted, “Have you met anyone serious yet?” She knew better than to ask Irish.  The only thing Irish was serious about was who she was going to screw next.

“Unfortunately, meklat, the Farragut does not have the pleasure of having hot men command her.  That honor is apparently reserved for the Federation flagship.  At any rate, I am forced to use my wiles on a peon in Security merely because he can get me access.  And otherwise, he’s not worth mentioning.  Ah, to be transferred to the Enterprise where the gorgeous men abound.”

“I heard that,” Irish said.  “Nyo, you are the sole female in a command crew of absolute babes.  Hot babes.  Not one scrub among them.  Even Captain Pike was hot.  And that kid?  Chekov’s his name, right?  I would love to break in that little tenderoni.  You know how fortunate you are?  Were I in your place, it would be a rotating screwfest.”

Gaila laughed heartily.  “Irish, you are sooo bad!  Don’t listen to her, Nyo!”

Uhura shook her head.  “I never do.  But I don’t even see my fellow officers that way.”

Irish gaped at her friend.  “Achat? Are you serious?  All those hot men and you don’t see it?”

Gaila shook her head.  “Nyo, you need to have your eyes examined.  I do agree with Irish, however.  All the officers aboard your starship are so fine!  Don’t know about the rotating screwfest, but you could be screwing at least one of them.”

“Not my command crew, Gaila.  From what I know of them, they are all very professional and wouldn’t dream of crossing that boundary.” 

Captain Kirk was the exception.  On the way back to Earth, he slept with at least four female crew members that she knew of.  He’d also bedded Gaila a while back, but Uhura hoped she’d forgotten about it.  Didn’t need to hear reminiscing about how good (or bad) her commanding officer was in bed.

“You obviously don’t know much, then.”  Gaila drank her Sunrise and giggled.  “Men always think about sex, whether it be professional or not.  Trust me on that, meklat.  At least one of them is thinking about sex with you.”  She swept her curly hair over her shoulders and winked at Uhura.

Irish continued.  “All those beautiful hard men up there in space with you and you don’t do anything…?  Let’s trade.  I could find something to do with all of them, especially Captain Fine and Commander Hotness.”

“Yes,” Gaila said.  “Mr. Sexy-As-Hell Spock.  I failed his course, but I enjoyed looking at and listening to that man twice a week.  So, worth the F.  And Jim Kirk?  He’s gorgeous, freaky…a bona fide sex god! I was furious with him after he used me to help him cheat on the Kobayashi Maru, but the makeup sex was apology enough.  He made me come so hard that I would do it again.”

Irish sighed.  “I’m so jealous of you, Gaila.” 

Gaila looked completely smug about her memories of Kirk.  Uhura groaned and shook her head.  She did not need to know that about her boss, and it wasn’t a surprise at all to know that Kirk had cheated on Spock’s test.  It did not matter now. 

Irish rolled her eyes.  “I never had a chance to sleep with him, but I wanted to.  Gaila, you lucky shianc, you have firsthand knowledge.  Mr. Spock? Total babe.  I wish I could—”

“Commander Spock?”  Uhura laughed.  “Um, no.  He’s Vulcan.  Vulcan, sexy and babe are three words that do not come to mind when I see him.”

“You really don’t know anything,” Irish said.  “Spock is the hottest Vulcan in the galaxy.  And he’s on your ship!  He should be on my ship! I want to suck on his ears and lick his eyebrows.  Let’s swap starships!”

Gaila laughed and drank her Sunrise.  Uhura had to chuckle at the thought.  Really?  Commander Spock’s ears?  Irish was…well, she just was.  Uhura and Gaila accepted her just that way.

“No way, ladies.  The Enterprise is mine.”  Uhura had wanted assignment to the Enterprise and only the Enterprise.  She wasn’t about to give that up.  Not even jokingly.

And so the banter continued through the appetizers and another round of drinks.  Sometime later, Gaila asked, “Nyo, do you still dance?”

“What?”

“Dance.  Like you used to when we would go to the gym to work out.”  Gaila devoured two hot wings in under a minute.

Irish studied her friend.  “You know, you’d go off to a corner of the gymnastics mat and dance for a good hour.  Always said it was the best thing for you to do to get some sleep.”  She ate a fry.

“Yeah,” Uhura said, eating a wing.  “No.  I don’t.  No time.”

Gaila shook her head.  “Pity.  You move so beautifully.  It helped you sleep, with your walk, your style and grace…and it was that reason Jim Kirk pursued you.”

“I know!” Irish said.  “Nor was he the only one.  We were so envious of you, Nyo.  To move like that and get the attention you got because you moved the way you did.  I remember men falling all over themselves to date you.”

Uhura nodded, thinking about her decidedly easier days back at the Academy.  “Yeah, well that was then.  It’s not happening now,” Uhura said.  “I’m just too busy.”   She was not real concerned about her lack of intimacy or even companionship.  She was much too preoccupied to be bothered with a relationship or the attentions of an unworthy man.  There just seemed to be ten times the number of unworthy men to worthy men.  Her sudden and recent promotion kept her extremely busy.  The HR paperwork alone took nearly nine weeks to complete, as she’d made at least six rank jumps, which translated into pay grade increases that required authorization.  This couldn’t be done immediately because Pike was taken hostage by Nero, then Spock’s mother died and his planet imploded, and then Kirk was just too busy with his own HR paperwork and promotion.  She had to wait for Pike to be released from medical leave to get him to complete his part of her paperwork.  Starfleet HR being what it was, the paperwork was still being processed.  Uhura planned to do some serious interstellar shoe shopping when she got her back pay.

And then, she had to learn the specific nuances of how the Enterprise’s bridge consoles and communications lab worked.  The Academy’s simulation modules were very generic, and so on her off time, she spent hours absorbing the Enterprise’s communications manuals to ensure her continued success on the bridge.  Uhura did all this while the ship was being repaired.  She wasn’t about to do anything that would affect her newfound position.  The other linguists she left behind were jealous.  She had Kirk to thank for that.  She hadn’t done it yet.

But Gaila and Irish’s words struck a chord.  Maybe she should be concerned.  She was, after all, intelligent, independent and not bad looking.  Why was she single?

“What?”  Irish and Gaila were aghast and in unison.

“No one is chasing me and I’m not interested anyway.  I got what I wanted: an officer position on board the Enterprise. I’m satisfied with that.”  But was she? 

“You seriously don’t believe that,” Irish said.  “You must be drunk.”  She licked wing sauce off her fingers.

“Meklat, you can’t tell me that you’re not sexing Jim Kirk.  Not in that close proximity.  I would be.  And I know he’s into you; he slept with me to get to you!” Gaila said.  “He even wanted to do it on your bed.”

Uhura closed her eyes.  “Thanks, Gaila.  I didn’t need to hear that.  There were times when she positively hated Kirk.  She tried to blow him off, but he continued to annoy her.  Yes, there were times when she loathed her new captain.  And then there were times when she didn’t.  James T. Kirk was the only man she knew that she could go from liking to hating in two seconds flat.  Why it was so easy for him to get under her skin was beyond her.

Another round of drinks: Romulan ale this time and shots of Jack.  More Klingon wings and Ferengi fries.

Uhura continued.  “However, our current relationship is purely professional.  As are my relationships with all my colleagues.  Such situations do not benefit the crew or the mission.  And it doesn’t matter.  I haven’t had sex in months and don’t really miss it.”  She ate a handful of fries.  “I wonder what they have for dessert?”

Irish rolled her eyes.  “Please. I get laid regularly on the Hood.  Who do you think you’re fooling, lachia?”

“I’m serious.  I can’t even remember the last time I got laid.”  Uhura dipped a fry into the green sauce and ate it.

“Must not have been any good, if you can’t remember.” Irish said, shaking her head.

Gaila looked stunned.  “No sex!”  She could barely go a week without getting some.  Irish couldn’t go two days.

“None.”  Uhura shook her head, ate another fry and leaned back into her chair.

 “We must fix this,” Gaila said.                                          

“Now we know what we’re here to do,” Irish cackled.  “Mission: Get Nyota laid.”

“There’s no fixing it.  I’m not in a position to get it on with a man of my choice.  There’s no one on the Enterprise that I would select.”  Of course, she’d been way too busy to even size up potential candidates.

“You mean you can’t choose a decadent sweet from that box of candy you work with?  There isn’t one of them that you’d mind giving them your cookies?” Irish said.  “If it were me, we’d be banging on the regular.”  She shook her dark hair and knocked back her shot of Jack.

Uhura laughed.  “Irish, you’re such a slut.”  How she ended up with two oversexed females as best girlfriends was beyond her, but she loved them anyway.  They always provided a much-needed realistic—albeit hilarious—perspective to her staid love life.

“Takes one to know one, shianc.  Yours is just undercover.”  Irish stuck her tongue out at Uhura.  “You need to get a man, get laid, and let your freak flag fly.”

“We’re gonna see to that,” Gaila said. 

Irish nodded.  “Best believe it.  It’s a travesty that you’ve gone so long without sex.  A downright violation of some Starfleet regulation, I’m sure.  As your friends, we must help you get laid.”

Gaila grinned.  “Tonight, if possible.  You game, meklat?  Can you do it?”

Uhura shrugged.  “I don’t know.  I won’t promise anything because I know how positively skank-ish you two can be.  But I’ll listen to what you have to say.”  She knew they meant well.

“Enough for me,” Gaila said.  “I dare you to walk up to the honey that came in earlier and hit on him.  You could take him home tonight, get broken off and be set before the Enterprise leaves space dock on Monday morning.  Bet he won’t know what hit him.”

“Gaila, I’m not doing that.”

“Why not?”

“He’s not my type.”

“Achat! What has type to do with it?” said Irish.  “The mission is for you to get laid.  Who cares about type?”

“That’s because you don’t care who you sleep with, Irish.  I’m picky about my shoes and they go on my feet.  I’m certainly not about to let just any man get under my skirt.  I don’t care how fine he is.”  She sipped her ale. 

“I do care,” Irish looked hurt.  “A little.”  She licked more wing sauce off her fingers. “These are so good.”

Gaila said, “If you don’t go and talk to him, then I dare you to get on the floor and dance like you used to do.  He’ll come up to you.  Somebody will.  You won’t have to worry about asking anybody out.  They’ll ask you.”

“I won’t—“

 “Why not??  There’s a dance floor.  Irish here will put in a request.  Get out there and dance off your sexual tension if you’re not going to let one of those fine ass men you work with bang it out of you.”  Gaila rolled her eyes and made a clucking sound.  “I’ve taught you nothing!”

Uhura sighed.  She wasn’t about to approach that guy.  Everything about him felt all wrong for her. True, he was cute, but she just wasn’t into cute men.  She preferred men that were not only attractive but also had presence, sharp wit, and above all else, superior intellect.  Cute and stupid just didn’t work for her.

“Don’t chicken out, lachia,” Irish said.  “I’m going to request a good song.”  She got up.

Uhura had a reputation for never backing down from a challenge.  She stood up, knocked back her shot of Jack, and glared at Gaila.  “This is your fault!”  But it was she who didn’t want to acknowledge that dancing again would feel good.  It had been a long time.

“Go on then,” Gaila said. “We’re waiting.”

Irish sat back down.  “Got an oldie from way back.  Go, Nyo.   Won’t be long before there‘ll be a guy who won’t look away.  Not that they do.  Have you seen yourself?”

Rolling her eyes, Uhura strode out to the middle of the dance floor.  She could hear the crescendo—it was a song she knew.  It was mid-tempo with a nice beat and a terrific guitar; something she could dance to; in fact, had.  Breathing deeply, she took a moment to know her space and quickly removed her overshirt, throwing it at Gaila and Irish.  Men turned to gawk.  She closed her eyes and began to move instinctively.

“This is NOT a striptease, losers!”  Irish yelled at them.

Uhura could not hear her friends.  She was inside the music, swaying her hips deeply, sliding her hands up and down her sides, and across her waist and up her buttocks.  The sensual feel and freedom of movement took her back years and she lost herself in the moves.  Her glorious nightfall swung in rhythm with her hips.

Men were watching intently now.  Some got up to move a little closer.  Gaila and Irish egged her on. 

Uhura found herself making tight gyrations.  Her hands moved of their own accord across her body.  She didn’t acknowledge how it might look outside herself; she just didn’t care.  All that mattered was how it felt, and it felt gooooood.

Irish whistled, staring around at all the men watching her friend dance seductively. “Look.  She’s brought all 

the boys to the yard.”

Gaila smiled, looking around the bar.  “I know!  She’s unbelievable.  If I could move half as good as she does, well, you know.”

Uhura rotated her hips in a tight figure-8, then an oval.  The expression on her face was bliss.  She had forgotten how liberating it was to dance.  How the world fell away when the music came on and it was just you.  She bent her knees and grasped her ankles, caressing her entire body as she swayed to a stand.  Then the song was over.  It took an extra few seconds for her to realize it.

The bar erupted into thunderous applause, whistles and catcalls.  Suddenly embarrassed, Uhura went back to her table, put her boyfriend shirt back on and sat down, her cheeks red.  Gaila and Irish hugged her.  The music changed and other couples headed for the dance floor.

Irish fanned herself.  “Nyota, that was hot!  Smokin’!”

“I can’t believe I just did that,” Uhura said, covering her face.  “I’m going to be sore tomorrow.”

“I can,” Gaila said.  “You had the attention of every man in this place.  Not one of them will ignore you.  Not after that.  Now go do something about it, meklat.”

Uhura glared at her friends.  “Whatever, Gaila.  I’m sure I didn’t, and no, I won’t.”

Gaila shook her head and sighed.  “You suck.”

Irish groaned.  “Mission failed.”

But she had the full attention of two very different men who entered the bar the moment she stepped on the dance floor.