Two: Badass Motherfucker
First Officer’s Personal Log:
I have been assigned to a most unique duty: the acclimation of Lieutenant Uhura to the USS Enterprise. The reason for this assignment is that this Lt. Uhura is not our Lt. Uhura. Our Lt. Uhura did not come back to this ship when the beam-over took place. It is unfortunate that she was not able to return and Commander Scott has not been able to determine why. The captain is very distressed over that fact and that is why I believe he has placed this Lt. Uhura in my care.
She is a most fascinating creature.
When the realization came that she was going to remain in this universe, I suggested that she be confined to quarters. She had not done anything to warrant it at the time, but it was a decision I felt was best. It took three security specialists to carry her away, as she is very quick and highly trained in self-defense. Upon our visit to her quarters—which I am amused to discover that she does not like—it was arranged that I would be her facilitator.
The captain could not stop staring at her, and I must admit, neither could I. She is markedly different than her counterpart; she has a commanding presence and a flair for the dramatic. She is also quite beautiful and it is clear that she is aware of it.
She is a most fascinating creature.
I have had a response to her. It is strange indeed, as I had no measured reaction to her counterpart outside of her duty. But with this Lt. Uhura, I find that words elude me. I have decided that it is best for me to discover what it is about her that intrigues me. I must begin making observations so that I may form a hypothesis. I have been instructed to deliver a meal to her quarters and that is when I will begin my research.
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Knowing that I was in for the night, I removed those horrible boots and ridiculous uniform. After digging through the pile of clothes that I left on the floor, I found a T-shirt to wear. I was going to set fire to all this shit once I got my new clothes. I put it on and got mad again. This bitch had serious fucking issues. The shirt was three sizes too big! I mean, what the fuck? I am woefully offended that we are supposed to be the same woman. Like motherfucking hell we are. She couldn’t hang with me even if she had a hook. I wouldn’t deign to hide a body like the one I got behind a fucking purple muumuu. Or this oversized T-shirt.
I grabbed the scissors and in a few moments, had a T-shirt I could wear. I looked in the mirror. Other than the ridiculous, stupid, unflattering cotton panties—thank heavens they weren’t bloomers; I would have killed myself—I looked fine. Actually, I looked fabulous. Fabulous, baby, fabulous! I slapped my caboose for good measure. The only thing that bothered me was the fact that I didn’t have my snake bangle, belly chain or navel ring. To think that bitch is sporting my shit—ugh, it makes me want to slap somebody!
Oh well. I could get more jewelry. I lay on the bed and started riffling through the catalogues I picked up. I needed to find out if—and when—we were going to a star base, and which one it would be.
I stuck a lollipop in my mouth as I moved through the catalogues, tagging the items I intended to purchase. I was engrossed in my shopping, picking and choosing items at will, knowing I had more than enough credits to get everything I wanted, which is all that matters. When I was sure that I’d ordered everything I wanted, I tried to complete the transaction, but it had to go through ship’s stores once we reached the starbase. I frowned. I’d never had a shopping restriction before. My Captain Kirk let me order anything I wanted.
I took a long suck on the lollipop and closed my eyes. I would rectify that situation immediately. I needed my clothes. I had to find out what starbase we were headed to and I needed to speak to the manager of the ship’s stores. This was all really starting to get tedious. I sighed. I would do whatever I had to do to get what I needed.
My door chimed and Mr. Spock walked in with a tray. He set it down on the table and looked at me.
I put the catalogue down and smiled. He was looking, all right, as well he should because I’m fabulous and everybody knows it. Motherfucker better look.
I sat up and struck a pose. “Mr. Spock. I’d forgotten that you were bringing me dinner.” Like hell I did. There was a reason why I removed my uniform.
He cleared his throat. “Lt. Uhura—“
“Call me Ny, baby.” I tossed the lollipop in the trash.
He stared at me. “Lieutenant Uhura—“
“Come on now, Mr. Spock. I insist that all my friends call me Ny, and if you’re gonna be my…guardian, then I insist you do the same.”
“That is inappropriate, Miss Uhura.”
“Suit yourself.” I made a show of getting off the bed and stretching, raising my arms above my head. He stared at me.
“I will return when you are properly attired, Miss Uhura.”
I put a hand on my hip and shifted my weight. “I am, Mr. Spock. This is my down time, and so I’m relaxing.”
I walked towards him. “Are you now? Guess that means you won’t be staying for dinner.”
He looked me over and then averted his eyes. “I would like to explain some things to you before you report to duty in the morning.”
“So then stay and explain them while I eat.” I walked around him and went over to the table.
“This starship is a calm environment. I have been made aware of certain practices from your universe and those things do not happen over here.”
“I do not feel as if your captain spent nearly enough time over there to be able to make a realistic, comprehensive evaluation as to how things are done.”
“Nevertheless, I am capable of filling in the blanks.”
I turned to look at him and was not surprised to see him staring back at me. He was checking out my ass and I ran my hand over it just for good measure. “I bet you are, you handsome thing.”
“Ah, don’t tell me that no one has ever called you handsome, handsome.” He was actually sexy as hell, and I’d let him know that when I thought it best he needed to. I winked at him and turned back to my tray. I lifted the cover.
“What the hell is this?”
“That is your meal, Lt. Uhura.”
“The hell it is! What is this shit?” It was a fucking tuna fish sandwich, carrot sticks and a cup of tea.
“Your meal card lists that as your preference for this day of the week.”
“The fuck it does! I don’t have a meal card! Where’s the chef? I don’t eat shit like this and I’m insulted that you think I would!” Was that frigid bitch on a diet?
I turned and hurled the tray at him. He ducked and looked at me as if I were alien. Perhaps he thought I was, but I would be damn if I would eat that shit he brought me. Carrot sticks? Bitch, please!
“In case you haven’t noticed, Mr. Spock, I’m not on a diet, nor do I need to be. Real women EAT, damn it. I didn’t get this fine eating fucking carrot sticks! I need some FOOD, not some damn snacks!”
“One of the items I need to discuss with you is your language, Miss Uhura. Some of your words are inappropriate, especially from a lady. Your counterpart did not use such colorful metaphors.”
“My counterpart has shitty taste in décor and clothing, eats like a monk and obviously doesn’t appreciate her God-given gifts. And let’s make this crystal clear, Mr. Spock: I’m not a lady. I’m a woman. All woman, and you best keep that in mind. Don’t compare me to that bitch.”
He looked as if he did not know how to respond to my outburst. Calmly, he said, “What are you used to eating, Miss Uhura?”
“When I said that your captain didn’t have a clue as to how it was done in my world, this is one example: Officers get to eat in a private dining room and there is a chef who prepares a menu with real food, not that reconstituted shit. There’s also a Vulcan chef.”
“You will find that there are no chefs on this ship. Such items are an extravagance and totally unnecessary. The officers eat in the cafeteria with the crew. We do not isolate ourselves. And I admit that while I find the idea of a Vulcan chef fascinating, there is no reason to have one on this ship. You have no choice but to adjust to the food situation, Miss Uhura, or you will find yourself dieting whether you want to or not.”
“You’re an asshole,” I said. On that, he was absolutely right, but I was going to change my meal card faster than a pimp would slap a whore. No way was I going to eat rabbit food; I’ve got to maintain my figure.
“Nevertheless, your food options are limited to the replicator. The replicator can make anything you want.”
I put my hands on my hips and seethed. Then I felt him close behind me. Close, but not touching. “I want to take you to sickbay so that you can be checked to make sure there are no aftereffects from the transporter malfunction.”
I turned fast and faced him, noticing that his eyebrow rose when I brushed my breasts across his chest. Yeah baby, you know you like it and you know you want it. I would have this man on his knees in a matter of days. Vulcans are hard, but they have needs just like other males. “Do I look like I’m suffering from aftereffects?”
“Your behavior leads me to think otherwise.”
Oh no he didn’t! “Did I hear you right? Did you just say that you think I’m disoriented from the mix-up? Baby, I promise you, this is me all day, every day.”
“You agreed to adapt, Miss Uhura. I am merely trying to help you. I would rather not see you in the brig or confined to quarters.”
I slid my hands over my curves. He had not moved. “I appreciate that, Mr. Spock.”
“Please get dressed.” He looked down at me. There might have been five inches of space between us. I put my hands on my hips and made my tits pop. All woman, every inch of me, and I would use every inch to my advantage.
“All right,” I said. I pulled off my T-shirt. He looked at my perfect breasts and his ears turned green. You want to play, baby? Then let’s play. “You want to help me get dressed?”
“Miss…Uhura…” he said. He moved back and headed for the door. “I shall return in fifteen minutes.”
I smiled as he left. He practically ran out the door. Sexy, sexy man. I was positive he didn’t have a woman, but it didn’t matter because I would have him if I wanted him, and I did. Another bitch would just get moved out of the way. Nothing compares to me.
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We walked to sickbay and he did use the time to tell me of this Enterprise’s standard practices. I found out that we were headed to Starbase 356 for major repairs, and that made me happy. Other than that bit of glorious news, I was half-listening, but fully checking out the cuties. And they were checking me out as well. I walked slow and rolled my hips and they looked. They couldn’t help it and I stopped them dead in their tracks when I walked by. That bitch could have had all these honeys at her disposal and I was annoyed at such a waste. I counted about ten beads I could have had if I wanted. I miss my beads and I had a feeling that they didn’t have any over here. Another reason to hate this shithole.
I made a mental note of five or six that I could manipulate. And then we were in sickbay. Spock asked the head nurse to scan me just to make sure I was all right. He told her what happened and ensured she’d keep it to herself. She was a most uncute woman, tall and lanky and had a pathetic air about herself. The way she looked at Spock was quite revealing. She had the hots for him; it was in her eyes and demeanor. The funny thing was, when she looked at him, he was looking at me. Then she looked at me and her expression was different. Her lip curled and she glared at me before running the tricorder over my body.
Obviously, she’d never been able to get his attention and she for damn sure wouldn’t now. I had it and I intended to keep it. Stupid bitch didn’t know when a master of the game was in the vicinity. Then she had the audacity to address and him and not me. I decided to let it slide.
“She does not appear to have suffered any ill-effects, Commander.”
Spock continued to look at me, but nodded his head. “Thank you, Nurse Chapel.”
Evidently, she was distressed at the dis. I decided to fuck with her head and looked at Spock. I smiled at him and winked. “Told you there was nothing wrong with me.”
“I wanted to be sure, Miss Uhura.” He continued to look at me. Oh yes, baby, you know you want this. “I need to make you understand how this starship operates.”
I smoothed my hair and shifted my weight to one hip. “There’s nothing wrong with my ears or my brain, Mr. Spock. I am perfectly, perfectly fine.”
Then she said, “With the exception of that slutty uniform.”
I glared at her. Why did she want to go there? I could have let the first insult go, but not this one. I decked her with a roundhouse right, connecting with her mouth. It hurt like hell, but it felt good to deliver such a blow. Blood spurted from her mouth and she fell back against the cot.
“You wish you looked this good,” I hissed. I stood over her and bucked. “Got anything else to say, you tramp bitch?”
Spock was by her side instantly and asked one of the assistants to help him get her onto the cot. I moved to get out of their way, but I would let it be known that I wasn’t the one to fuck with. Next motherfucker that tried me would get the Harpy, because I was known to slit a slut. I took a look at my nails to make sure I hadn’t chipped the polish when I knocked that ugly bitch out.
Two medical assistants surrounded and began to treat her. She was moaning incoherently, likely because I knocked out her two front teeth. I massaged my hand, knowing it would swell, but I smiled at Spock regardless. He needed to know that I was not playing.
“Lieutenant Uhura,” he said, shaking his head. “That is not acceptable behavior here.”
“It is where I’m from, Mr. Spock. I’m not about to take any shit off these motherfuckers here! She started that and I finished it. If nobody starts anything, then there won’t be anything. You try me and you’ll get fucked up too!”
“Fascinating,” he said.
“Always, darling,” I replied.
“Nevertheless,” he continued, “such behavior warrants disciplinary action. You are my responsibility, and as such, it falls to me.”
I grinned and put my good hand on my hip. “Now that’s what I’m talking about. I’m such a bad girl, Mr. Spock. I ought to be spanked.” I would let him do it at the drop of a hat.
His ears flushed green, but he shook his head. “That is not what I had in mind, Lieutenant.” He called for two security guards.
“Mr. Spock, I assure you I do not need to be escorted to the brig. She insulted me. I do not take insults lightly; where I am from, no one does. What would you have had me do?”
“A peaceful solution is always best, Lt. Uhura.”
“Apparently, another thing your captain neglected to mention was the fact that there are no peaceful solutions where I am from. It is kill or be killed. Be the predator, not the prey. And she should be thankful that I didn’t kill her, for that too is standard practice.”
He folded his arms and pressed a finger against his lips. “I am grateful that you did not. Captain Kirk would not be pleased.”
“Do not put me in the brig. I’ve done nothing to deserve it.”
“You cannot go around hitting members of the crew, Miss Uhura.”
“I won’t do it again unless I feel threatened,” I said.
He stared at me. I folded my arms and stared back. “I won’t. But I do hope you’re going to talk to her about her misuse of her mouth.”
He sighed. “I do not think Nurse Chapel will engage in such discourse with you again.”
She’d better not. For the next time, I’d let my Harpy do the talking. “I don’t think she will,” I said.
“However, you must apologize to her. I insist, or I will put you in the brig.”
I glared at him.
“I am serious, Miss Uhura. That is conduct unbecoming a Starfleet officer. You will apologize to her once she is able to speak.”
I sighed and rolled my eyes. I’d play his game and do whatever I wanted to do anyway. “Fine.”
The security guards showed up. “Mr. Spock?”
He looked at them and then looked at me. “Miss Uhura, do I have your word as a lady?”
I smiled at him. I’d already warned him that I was anything but. “Sure you do.”
“Fine.” He turned to the security guards. “You may report back to your post.”
I smiled at him. “I think I’m ready to eat now.”
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The food was deplorable, but I was hungry. I got several looks from the crew that was in the mess when we entered. The men, of course, couldn’t take their eyes off me. Fabulous, baby, fabulous! The women were staring too and I prepared myself to receive more snarky comments about my uniform adjustments. If they didn’t like the alterations I made to this uni, then they were going to shit bricks when I got my new clothes.
I ended up eating some soup, bread and cheese and some faux chocolate mousse. I was going to have to take the time and program a new meal card, because that bitch didn’t have choices worth a damn. Mr. Spock talked to me as I ate my unfulfilling meal.
“We do things logically and professionally here, Miss Uhura. I understand that you are orienting yourself to this universe and I am willing to give you the benefit of the doubt. However, you cannot…I repeat…cannot throw food at your commanding officers, physically abuse co-workers and use foul language. Also, please refrain from disrobing in my presence.”
I smiled at him. “Where’s the fun in that?”
“This starship is no place for fun, Miss Uhura. Fun is reserved for shore leave.”
I chewed a chunk of bread. “Whatever you say, Mr. Spock.”
“So we shall not require further dialogue on this matter?”
I looked at him. “No.”
Really. Whatever he said made no difference to me because I do whatever I want to do and I don’t give a fuck. I’d play along with him and learn the system. However, I will expose and manipulate even the tiniest crack and I’d use any available opportunity to my advantage. A woman like me relished the opportunity to exploit others’ weaknesses. I would not have survived in my world if I hadn’t learned that little fact and it wasn’t a skill that was easily disabled or disregarded. Mr. Spock would learn all this soon enough.